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#AutisticJoy Art Autism Burnout Music Shutdowns

Music & the Never-Fucking-Ending Journey toward #AutisticJoy


Sometimes I just gotta say…

Fuck me…


I’m on a journey… back to music.

Fuck me.

#Autism. I’m fucking tired of this particular journey…

I hit a wall last fall. Burnout. Repetitive stress injury. Shutdown. Decompensation… The old lather-rinse-repeat routine…

One. Too. Many. Times.

I hated music. Got nauseated every time I thought about sitting down on that stool… Body-wracking “charlie horses” in neck, shoulder, left arm, wrist, sciatic nerve… And the burning dread in my gut….

Didn’t fucking care if I ever played… or,  the biggest red flag… or ever wrote… again.

Perform…?

You’re kidding right.

So now I’ve kinda boxed myself into a corner… I gotta play. Made commitments.

It’s some kind of weird mind game I play on myself… commit to something I dread… Over and over and over…

Fuck me…

So…

I’m trying to rediscover the fucking bliss I used to experience… Every nerve humming… Every part of my body dancing in the stool… My heart big enough to hold the sky… Brain on FIRE…

And those sounds… Those sounds coming out of the speaker… Who was playing them?

Look… I’m an okay semi-pro. Nothing more.

That didn’t stop the flow of ecstasy…. #AutisticJoy…

Once every few years. When the autistic gods smiled on my “variable ability”… briefly… and I just fucking played…

Which rare experience… kept me going. For years.

Til it didn’t.

The social nightmare of every fucking other guitarist’s games of “Whose Dick’s Bigger?”… social interaction in a bar… nearly being beat a couple of times by fun-loving rednecks… the agony of every goddamn mistake…

Anyways…

Got a gig. Mother’s Day. A local winery. Butler near Bloomington.

For my wife, Kimmie… and my stolen bliss… I gotta come back from the ledge…

So far it’s going pretty fucking rocky. I’ve been through this whole crash-and-burn-rise-from-the-fucking-ashes thing so many, many, many times…

Sigh… gets old. Ya know?

But I got a vintage Epiphone Pr-5e/n to play with. Borrowing against Biden’s once-and-future Stimulus Check (love you, Lacey Granger)…

I’ll let you know how it goes… ya know, as it goes…

Maybe… If I pull this off… I’ll see some of the old friends there. Did last time…

Btw, this was a pretty good night live on WFHB… Sometimes listening to something like that gets me off my ass…

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