Autistic Self-Doubt: A brief, very personal post.

Dark, digital illustration of Rutger Hauer giving "Tears in Rain" soliloquy in Ridley Scott's Blade Runner. After a frame grab.

A brief, very personal post.

I do not write about my autism for personal sympathy… or reassurance…

Or, let’s say I struggle not to.

Let’s call me a frustrated travel writer. A Paul Theroux of the neurology…

exploring one, foreign jungle of an autistic nervous system…

with a full basket of autistic deficits & advantages…

a fair number of co-morbidities…

a complicated personal history, including abuse…

And who writes in the manner he thinks.


With tales to tell you…

Of lands you will never visit… but friends can’t seem to ever really describe to you…

Or strange alien landscapes you find yourself believing you’re all alone in…

Because, in the end, they’re all I have to offer the world…

Ya know. Before I die.

Hoping someone finds value.


It’s an old age thing.

I’d like your reassurance that personal experience of this kind is of value…

And I’m not merely indulging myself…?

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”

–Rutger Hauer, Blade Runner

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4 responses to “Autistic Self-Doubt: A brief, very personal post.”

  1. Can it be wrong to indulge oneself? Isn’t everyone drawing breath indulging themselves in the experience of breathing? This place is a very alien landscape to us and where we speak from is an even stranger landscape to those not seeing like us. Does what we do have to be of value? Asking for myself not to give a reassurance or sense of sympathy which may or may not be looked for. Taking my experience and the outlay into life off the platform of commerce and this cruel system of value, I just do my effervescence of being and searching each day because it is the same as a flower unfurling its petals – part of the base code of its existence. Do I see your base code? Yes, yes I do. Is it a valid code? I think so yes. Can we stop feeling like we need to find the weight and value of our output in this place? Possibly not, which is a bitch. The running program is ‘hug the group and survive’. We don’t connect to the group and we don’t do hugs. By world standard, we are screwed. By larger perspectives we are exquisite points of inspiration, the particles which throw world courses into the less probable probabilities of reality pathway. Free radicals manifesting evolution.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am reading avidly,my friend.
    As someone who only recently put the jigsaw pieces together and realised “Oh hell…..I’m Actually Aspergers/Autistic ”
    Your Work Is Of Great Value To Me.
    I am only starting my Journey((doctors ,etc….don’t have a diagnosis yet and it will take a Long time in our public health system)
    but reading your blog is letting me see there are others who have shared the same experience of being different…… lifelong unemployability,decades of alienation, otherness, weirdness and masking Different…….and it Helps.
    Thank You.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What s rush!
    That experience. That shock… Of connection.

    Thank you!


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