Note to a Younger Autistic Friend. Podcast 1.

Cover art for the AutisticAF Out Loud podcast. Features a photo of Johnny Profane Âû in black fedora, sun glasses, reading a script. Listen or download here, or links to Spotify and others below.

Johnny Profane Âû has a voice…

Who knew?

Play now: click on arrow at left — Download: 3 dots at right.

#AutisticRave: Group Processing Disorder. It's a Thing. #AutisticAF Out Loud

  1. #AutisticRave: Group Processing Disorder. It's a Thing.
  2. Imaginary Friends? This Autistic Kid's Bestie… Dissociation, Pt 1
  3. #AutisticRave: Life after Diagnosis: Joy… and Horror.
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This is a first. As a musician, I’ve never sang or used my voice. Despite constant pestering from fans & friends for the last 10 years…

In fact, I’ve written about hating my voice.

But I’ve finally given in.

To kick off the new AutisticAF Out Loud podcast, I’ve reworked a few of my most popular, inspirational posts… for driving in the car, listening at work, or simply relaxing.

In this first episode, I rewrote Note to a Younger Autistic Friend… my heartfelt response to a young autist who wrote me… totally bewildered when her professor rebuked her… for doing precisely what he asked for.

Talk about a typical autistic experience with neurotypical authority figures…

More to come in coming days! Including all new material… a bit controversial…

Audio only, with captioning for processing ease.

Transcript:

Note to a bewildered younger autistic friend, corrected by a teacher for being…

Well… autistic.

Sweetie…

Sometimes… it doesn’t pay to be autistic.

I am the worst autist in the world. I TRY to express concern…

9 times outta 10… comes out preachy.

You touched me with your story. I’m trying to write to you like a grandpa… with love.

I’m 67.

I can’t begin to count the number of similar stories of my own that sprang into my mind as I read yours.

I’d like to tell you it gets better.

But it’s more complex than that. Humans don’t change. Autists don’t change.

Cats never become dogs.

Neither needs to be cured. Or, apparently, can be.

What changes is a long, slow process of acceptance & accomodation.

You slowly learn to find humans who are a better fit.

You enjoy their company… for however long. They enjoy your company… for however long.

My wife and I live separately. Yet deeply, deeply in love. That may be what we love most about each other.

Even though it’s “wrong.” “Weird.” “Just not right.”

It is so HARD to find our autistic joy. Everything and everyone in this society… including family, friends, teachers, bosses, doctors, priests, therapists…

Every one has been taught… from birth… precisely the wrong cultural messages to help US autists thrive.

With obvious rare exceptions. Please excuse my dramatic hyperbole. (Okay, okay… so this autistic grandpa has been known to exaggerate from time to time…)

But we CAN’T bark like dogs… and go out and play with the other dogs… and engage in all their disgusting rituals…

Just so they’ll like us. Or to make our parents happy…

So we’re NOT disappointing children, unreliable besties, students who don’t live up to their potential, non-team players, hypochondriacs, sinners, or shudder… borderline personalities…

We’re. Just. NOT. “Good.” Dogs.

We’re extraordinary cats.

Doing the impossible. Surviving in a dog’s world. One day at a time.

For however long.

But it’s more complex than THAT…

Everybody knows a cat and a dog who love each other like brothers…

And I know a very few neurotypical humans who I am CERTAIN were separated from me at birth…

But also… I’ve come to mostly favor the company of other metaphorical cats… and similar felines.

Nearly all of my intimates are autistic, adhd, schizophrenics, or similar neurodivergencies… or are someone who ALREADY loves someone with similar differences.

But sometimes… Sometimes…

There are those rare humans who LIKE autists. Cat and dog soulmates.

How did I make my way? With every expert I was supposed to respect… every family member I was supposed to love…

Leading me deeper into social, emotional, physical, and career hells? Each with the very best of intentions?

I simply followed my rare moments of bliss… and reduced the much more frequent experiences of pain.

Because I had no one else to guide me for 63 years.

So I gradually added more “forbidden” experiences… like special interests, stimming, isolating when necessary… things I was discouraged, even punished for as a child… as a teen… as an adult…

And gradually deleted other experiences that were the “right thing to do”… career expectations, pursuing perfection, seeing folks who I felt bad around… including family….

At first, I did so guiltily. Because it was always, always “wrong.”

And I moved slowly. Through trial & error. Cuz frankly, I learn slower than the average bear. AND I am autistic… so I’m usually the last to know I’m in pain or bliss. Cuz poor interoception and alexithymia (like many autists, it’s hard for me to feel what’s going on inside physically or emotionally).

But I plodded on steadily. Maybe, even doggedly…

And eventually… joyfully.

I now have few friends.

But I have more love than I’ve ever known in my life.

And can show more. To them. And to others.

All of which gave me #AutisticJoy.

Eventually.

I hope it’s different for you.

#AutisticRave: Group Processing Disorder. It's a Thing. #AutisticAF Out Loud

  1. #AutisticRave: Group Processing Disorder. It's a Thing.
  2. Imaginary Friends? This Autistic Kid's Bestie… Dissociation, Pt 1
  3. #AutisticRave: Life after Diagnosis: Joy… and Horror.
Subscribe to hear new episodes…
AppleSpotifyPocketCastsAmazon/AlexaAudibleMore Platforms

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3 Comments

  1. Infidel753 says:

    I think you’re actually very good at this. You have a good voice and your delivery is excellent. You don’t keep saying er, ah, um during pauses the way most people do. It made me wonder if you’d been an actor at some point.

    It sounds as if you’ve settled on the principle of living life your own way and doing things the way that feels right for you, even if other people think it’s “wrong” (it’s not “wrong” as long as you’re not transgressing against other individuals). As your own metaphor implies, a cat can’t ever really fit in in a dogs’ world, so the best thing is to live the best cat life you can.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually, my friend, never been an actor…

      Since about 14…

      Always been a “character.” I need to write more on this.

      It’s a secret passion. And all about my autistic self.

      Think practicing cartoon, ad, talk show voices in my literal closet…

      For 7 decades.

      I have got to write you. Souch on my head right now from reading your blog… watching you blog…

      Having trouble getting it out

      Liked by 1 person

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