A raw spoken word performance confronting autistic burnout, meltdowns, and the impossible demand to ‘just change.’ With full transcript, original artwork.
Full Text Transcript
Someone said an average writer “borrows.” The other kinds, both kinds… steal out right.
Bowie, Robert Johnson, Marvin Gaye. I owe you guys one for this.
Watch the 3+ minute performance (headphones recommended):
High-res video, with full hand-cut poetic captions supporting audio processing.
The Poem
Believe I’ll Ch-Ch-Change… My Shirt.
Sunlight cracks my window,
Gotta be midday.
Kick myself a pathway
Just to pee into the bowl.
Like a peek into that deepest hole,
Zombie in the Mirror won’t let me look away —
Same filthy shirt as yesterday,
Body and soul.
I Gotta Change.
They say, “Ya gotta ch-ch-change.
New day’s a-coming.
Cuz that same old,
It’s getting fucking old.”
They say, “Shed that old skin
For one of truest gold…”
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
“Karma’s a Bitch Dog in Heat,” by author. Digital tools include Krita & AI.
Karma’s a bitch dog, in heat.
She prowls my old mind,
Sleeps beside me every night…
Feasting on defeats.
No stone blocks this empty tomb
But I can’t leave her behind…
Memories of the darkest kind
Blind my way outta this room…
Faced all the strange this heart can take…
T H A T change I can not make —
Faced all the strange this heart can take…
I gotta change…
I gotta change…
I gotta change…
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
Break it down…
I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.
I believe, I believe, I’ll go back home.
You can’t mistreat me here, babe,
But you can when I get home…
Waitress smiles,
checkout jokes…
shoplifting contact
with little hope
casual chic in the cubicle
hoarding freak in the domicile
Molestation devastation
Frustration infestation
losing jobs
taking jabs
Meltdown, shutdown… losing your shit
Choose the label for your best fit
Can’t see the forest
For the leaves,
That’s what’s brought me
To my knees…
New day’s never coming.
And that same old,
Got fucking older.
I yearn to shed that old skin
I crave that shiny gold…
I. Gotta. Change.
Believe I’ll ch-ch-change
My…
Shirt.
—
Man I feel the drama today. Hope you guys can handle it.
Algorithms hate me. I must be doing something right.
You’re my day-ones here. I won’t abandon you. But my fire lives now on subStack. This is one of 50+ raw autistic spoken word pieces on my Substack. Want the full unfiltered experience? Subscribe here for video livestreams, director’s cuts, and the kind of content that won’t survive WordPress algorithms.
The Artists I’m Stealing From
Massive shoutout to artists I stole quotes from… David Jones, known to the world as David Bowie for “Changes,” that he released in 1972. And to blues genius Robert Johnson for “Dust My Broom,” released in 1937. And as always to Marvin Gaye, for his soul… invisible but always there.
P.S. — If this burnout piece resonated, you need to hear ‘every clock is a handgun pointed at my head’ — it’s the one that got published in Wordgathering and changed how people see autistic time. On my Substack now.
About This Work
In 2022, Johnny (Knapp) Profane Âû spoke at the UN World Autism Acceptance Day on his illustrations rooted in neurodivergence. His spoken word piece, “every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” appeared in Wordgathering, a journal of disability poetry & literature.
Johnny is an auDHD spoken word poet, blogger, podcaster… sometime cosplaying Pretend Rock Star.
Diagnosed autistic at 63, he’s published AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… a raw, fiercely neurodivergent voice. Neuroclastic, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism, and other sites have featured his work. In an earlier life, he was founding publisher of Unix World magazine in 1984.
Johnny lives in a rural Indiana trailer… next to his wife’s trailer… with his dogs & cat. Occasionally he shaves… to face Walmart.
“I’m autistic. Born 1953.
I was not a product of a vaccine.
I was not born to be pitied.
I was born to raise Hell.
Autistic style.
I’m not out to inspire you.
I’m out to give you
an experience..
of a life.”
Support AutisticAF.me here: Paypal · Ko-Fi · Facebook Pay “Johnny Knapp Âû”
“every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,” art & poetry collection. available on Amazon.
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