Autistic Stimming, Overload & Anxiety, Pt. 1: NOISE – A Spoken Song

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Intro

Hi! I’m Johnny Profane.

Welcome to #AutisticAF Out Loud… and Part 2 of Autistic Stimming, Overload & Anxiety.

If you missed Part 1, Zen & the Art of Autistic Stimming, you may want to check it out first. 

Because this episode offers no explanations. No justifications. No enlightenment…

I simply call it, NOISE. Another of my spoken Songs without a Singer. (Check the transcript for a link to more.)

And if I’ve done my job right…

What you’ll get is my raw experience of overload.

If you’re autistic… chances are you get overwhelmed by some smells, noises, textures. But… say you’re the rarer autist who seeks out thrilling sensations. Because you’re sensory processing level is permanentaly set to low…

Either way, enjoy this episode as a celebration of the brute power our autistic senses hold.

But if you love an autist… parent one… work with some… or wonder if you are one… 

Let me bring you inside my world. Cuz if ya don’t know us… how ya ever gonna love us?

Real talk. From a real life.

I hope you’ll find some insight here. That you may want to share… with someone that you know… cares.

Transcript

“Ohmygod…”

“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!” Jay snaps his head up from his guitar, worried about me.

“I don’t know. I don’t know!”

I’m ripping the headphones off my head. Struggling with guitar cables. Desperate to NOT trip as I jump off my stool this time, and….

Run the fuck AWAY.

“Turn it off!”

I. Am. So. Having. A panic attack. 

No idea why. I scream… “TURN. IT. OFF. NOW.”

---

Rewind the tape… say 5 minutes…

I’m jamming with a new friend. Young, 20s. Me, 63.

Jay’s a gifted guitarist, vocalist, songwriter. And, in Indiana, right now…? Young guys are largely into…

Metal. Heavier the better.

And this lazy summer afternoon I finally figure out why I don’t get Metal music. Despite its obvious artistry. When it’s good.

And Jay, he’s exceptional. Turns out, at something I hate…

He’s fresh back from a local sound studio. Excited. He’s dying to share his new Metal track with me. 

Truth? I’m eager to hear it. I’m impressed with his skills and talent. We’ve played toether a few times on our acoustics.

The raw mix starts to blare out of my PA. Instantly I feel… a wave. Fear… anxiety… rage…

The frantic beat. The distorted sound. The scream-growling voice. The sheer volume…

The lyrics from Hell…

They smash through my sensory, emotional, and intellectual processing abilities…

I skip right past “meltdown” and go straight for…

Blind, unreasoning, screaming…

Panic.

Which, quite naturally, freaks the fuck outta Jay.

Which… further totally freaks me out.

And it all spirals down from there…

Protests. Apologies. Reassurances. Slammed doors. Burning tires.

In time, I lost the friend.

But I did get this spoken song.

Which I give to you…

Not to apologize. Or justify. Or lecture… discuss… educate… or, least of all… enlighten.

To simply give you the experience of autistic sensory overload.

The next sound you hear will be…

“NOISE…”

Jim Morrison scream — To a Drowning Pool beat, say 128

Chorus
NOISE…
Too. Much. Noise.
Noise noise noise.
Too much
Noise noise noise.
Too much
Noise noise noise.
Too. Much.
NOISE….

Verse
Heart pounding
Noise.
Skull splitting
Noise.
Throat ripping
NOISE.
Welcome to the Realm
Of screaming spitting
NOISE.

Verse
Parents yell
Noise.
Teacher’s bell
Noise.
Preachers tell
NOISE.
Born into the Realm
Of dreaming, living dead
NOISE…

Bridge
Screens burn my eyes
Playlists deafen ears
Food tastes like lies
Feeding my mind fears
Pornhub rots my sex
Netflix eats my soul
My only thought…
what’s-next
What’s-Next
WHAT’s-NEXT…
As I fill another bowl
Bass keeps on thrumming
Noise beyond reason
Winter for sure is coming
In Satan’s own season…

Verse
Factories pounding
Noise.
Shatter-glass sounding
Noise.
Too tightly wound in
NOISE.
Surviving the Realm
Of suffocating, drowning
NOISE.

Chorus/Outro

NOISE…
Too. Much.
Noise.
Noise noise noise.
Too much
Noise noise noise.
Too much
Noise noise noise.
Too. Much.
NOISE…
Too. Much. Noise…
Too. Much. n o i s e ….

Outro

Again…

I’ll keep the outro short. Don’t want to keep you from Pt 3: Confessions of an #ActuallyAutistic Anxiety Junkie. I can’t wait to hear what you think…

Listen.. I need your help. I haven’t asked before… But my trusty old Dell Latitude laptop… that I use for writing, painting, videos, podcasts, communicating to the world…

Just up and died.

I produce all my free autism activism & information paying out of pocket from my Social Security check.

#AutisticAF Out Loud is growing fast. Only halfway thru our first season… 2000 downloads, 200 subscriptions… doubling every month. We even hit the charts in Ireland & Europe.

I don’t want to lose our momentum.

If you enjoy #AutisticAF Outloud? Please click the “Support” button on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you heard or read this episode.

Any amount you can afford will go straight to my autistic activism.

But… as always…

The biggest support you can offer? Share this episode with a friend that you know… who cares.

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