Neurodiversity Unveiled. It’s a state of being. This episode cracks open the truth. We dive deep… beyond labels. Into the heart of authenticity. Your journey. Your truth. Let’s explore them together…

Transcript

Intro

🚨Content Note

In this episode of AutisticAF Out Loud, I get pretty direct about issues in the Neurodiversity community.

Whether you’re autistic, love one, work with some, or maybe… think you are one…

It’s likely, I say something you disagree with. Let’s still stay friends… and talk in the comments. Could be we’ll find some truth together.

Is there any other way?

I’d like to share a few thoughts. Then let’s jump right into the differences between a personal identity, an identity group, and the autistic traits we were born with. Once we navigate these waters together, let’s see if we can find our true autistic selves… beyond society’s labels.

I call this one…

Autism? It’s a State of Being. NOT an Identity Group.

You are born autistic.
There’s no initiation fee.
No secret handshake.

And you don’t need anyone’s approval to be autistic. It’s not like there’s a club they can kick you out of.

Maybe… they won’t let you sit at their lunch table. But you’re used to that. Right?

Just. Do. You.

Seems obvious. Or is it just me? Cuz…

I feel a growing pressure to conform.

Today, it’s the healthy demand avoidance side of me speaking. My built-in “authenticity filter,” screening out anyone who casts shade on my individuality. With hidden motives.

See, I tend to… well, go nuclear meltdown around demands for conformity.

Whether from medical pros who diagnose me… defective.
Helping pros who counsel… that I become more like them.
Or even autistic advocates who define proper language… and correct attitudes… to “unite our people.”

Look… I can NOT handle pressure.

That ain’t gonna change… this autistic lifetime.

I’m a slow learner of new thoughts. Given time, I write articulate prose. Given a multiple choice test, I suppose that I test high on intelligence.

But I learn… and change… at my own pace.

This means I thrive on patience and space. You can’t rush me. Or force me into a box. My growth and understanding unfold in my own autistic time. Not according to social agenda.

This is why, I want to talk about the differences between identity and “Identity Groups.” Particularly Toxic Identity Groups. I think you’ll see pretty quickly why this is crucial to me.

Here are 3 different things.

1. An Identity Group.
   People who share traits that bind them. So they hang. Could be their culture, politics… neurodiversity.
   Think Armenian. Or Democrat. Perhaps Neurodivergent…
2. A Personal Identity?
   It’s the real you. Your quirks, feelings, beliefs. Who you are inside.
   Musician? Romantic? Loner? That’s you.
3. An immutable state of being.
   It’s the part of you that you were born with. The skeleton that everything else hangs on.
   Mostly genetics, some neurology, early life experience. And for some… your spirit separate from your life activity. Or group membership.

Tall doesn’t always mean “basketball player.” Beauty doesn’t equal “social.” Autistic? Maybe you’re a Professor X fan. Not so much Star Trek Picard.

Psychology, sociology, political theory, theology, all argue amongst themsevles about the specifics.

Hell, I use too many words…

Autistic Leopard can’t change his spots.
👉Immutable state.

Autistic Leopard has some… but limited… control over whether he’s a dick or not.
👉Personality or identity.

But Autistic Leopard chooses whether he swears loyalty to, pays dues to…. or follows the rules of… his Autistic Leopard Club.
👉 Identity group.

But. No. Matter. What… Our friend is still an Autistic Leopard. Can’t be cured. Can’t be fixed. Can’t be converted.

Doesn’t need a pro with a sheepskin to bless him. Or an autistic prophet to baptize him.

Autistic is who he is.

Back the Truck Up… Toxic Identity Group?

Most groups have rules. A golf club wants dues paid, divots replaced. A vegetarian club gonna diss you for leather shoes. Religion? Share their core beliefs… or go to Hell.

A group that wants to flex their identity? Might require members to dress, speak, believe, or act alike. Usually, leaders create rules to encourage group growth. But all too often, those directives personally favor the few who “run” the group. Some commandments may even harm members.

Gatekeepers? These are leaders or members who have more power than others. They make decisions, reward or punish individuals, decide who joins or gets kicked out. Ya know, they get to say who’s a real leopard. And who is not…

This power can protect, support, or welcome members. But some gatekeepers bully current or former members. Some outright steal from or sexually abuse the weak.

Conformists want everyone to be like them. Members must be pure… according to group standards. This can create unity, by sharing common values. Or it could magnify a social movement’s power to effect change. But pushy demands for pure language or belief? Gives them the power to impose their values on others. Or annoys and drives away potential friends and allies.

Then there are Evangelists. Enthusiastic, they believe they possess the right, true way. Spreading their message can raise awareness, educate others, or offer help. But sometimes, evangelists harrass, mislead, or shame others to comply.

All identity group traits can be useful. Or not.

Power structures can harm members… and non-members. When they do… that’s a “toxic” identity group.

I believe some exist in the autistic ally and advocate space. There is no point in dropping names. They would only be my opinion… essentially gossip. But in the four short years I’ve been actively writing about my autistic life…

• I’ve been asked to sign loyalty oaths, swearing to follow the commands of higher ranking group members.
• Criticized for behavior not “truly autistic.”
• Asked for donations from organizations who simply do not report how they use their finances.
• Frequently pressured to work for free for the benefit of autistic spokespersons.
• Told that… for the “good” of the autistic community… I should drop my work and instead “join the team” of a more popular social media figure.
• Condemned for language use.
• Shunned for having social media “friends”… I barely know.

Look, this ain’t a list of complaints. Or a claim of victimhood. I’m doing just fine watching the craziness go by… and listening to my own gut.

This is a public service warning. These experiences aren’t just mine. I hear from autistic readers and listeners. Some feel their individuality is often overshadowed by group norms. Especially folks just discovering their authentic autistic identities for the first time.

There’s a special kind of emotional abuse that some call “abuse of trust.”

A parent, pastor, helping professional, a gym coach or justice warrior… Each has a sanctified role in our society.

Maybe there’s an instinctual hole inside the human heart. A junk-sick need to feel nourished and protected against the world. By Mom, Officer Friendly, Disney’s Lion King.

Abusers of trust sneak inside that hole. And use it against you. Be careful out there. Not everyone waving an Infinity Flag has your interest at heart.

If you’ve felt the sting of misplaced trust, or even the trauma of betrayal… find support that resonates with you. This might be a therapist skilled in navigating the trauma of abusive relationships. Or it might be a compassionate pastor. Or a friend whose judgment you value deeply.

Speaking of Infinity flags, tho…

Red Flags, Blinking Yellow Lights and Stanks to Avoid…

All my autistic life I’ve been gaslighted. Told I couldn’t trust my feelings and impulses. That to know the right thing to do I must first seek…
A parent’s approval.
An expert’s advice.
A teacher’s method.
A priest’s commandments.
A nutritionist’s diet.
A doctor’s blessing.
And above all… a university’s diploma. Preferably, a private university…

Maybe this works for typical humans. Or maybe it just makes a living for the professional class. I dunno. What I do know is that no expert I’ve ever paid understood my autistic life.

It was never true. I never needed an expert to know what I felt. I never needed a clock to know when I felt hungry. Even if I sometimes forgot to eat in the throes of creative passion…

And I ALWAYS knew when something made me feel icky. Once I stopped feeling guilty every time I didn’t feel the way they told me I should feel..

So here is a simple list of things I look for when I meet someone’s new group.

I’m not advising you to adopt it. But it may give you some ideas.

1. Claims of superiority like racism, eugenics, sexual or gender discrimination. Aspie Supremacy is a good example.
2. Claims of inferiority for any other human group. Ya know? Some jokes about “neurotypicals” aren’t insightful. Just mean.
3. Any group organized around a single, exceptional human or exclusive group of founders. Gurus, philosphers, mad scientists, and… especially… genius billionaires all give me the willies.
4. Any group unwilling to offer public information on founders or board members. I need public accountability to offer my trust.
5. Nonprofit or for-profit groups that do not file annually with the IRS or other public oversight organization.
6. Overly using exotic or restrictive insider language. It may indicate high levels of control or manipulation.
7. Demands for purity or conformity. Even in the pursuit of the noblest cause, externally imposed conformity feels like imprisonment to me.
8. Complaints of current or former members.
9. Group hostility toward questions or disagreement. ANY talk of enemies, traitors, or heretics. Even meant to be humorous.

When I see a status structure, I resist.

Hierarchical structures and status roles are complicated for autistic me to understand. Therefore exhausting. Some research in the readings below shows that other autists feel the same.

And on top of that, I was in a religious cult for some 28 years before I broke free…

What I’m getting at is, I may be biased about rules and hierarchy.

But guru or garbage man, I’m likely to ask you who made you the boss? Even more, I’ll ask who made your rule? Who benefits? Who’m I hurting if I break it?

To the best of my ability, I think for myself. And make my own choices. Even when I admire or respect a cause.

I keep plenty of air between any group I support… and who I really am. And try not to confuse noble goals and language… with real-world actions.

I offer no advice to anyone. That’s not part of my identity.

I write only about my values. And look forward to hearing about your thoughts. Because, over time…

That’s how I learn.

Key Takeaways:

1. Autism is an innate state of being, not a choice or a club with membership criteria.
2. Personal identity is unique and varied, transcending simplistic group labels.
3. Cherish individuality amidst pressures to conform to external expectations or group norms.
4. Be wary of toxic identity groups that prioritize conformity over personal authenticity.
5. Seek supportive communities that respect personal autonomy and encourage open dialogue.
6. Trust in your own experiences and feelings as valid and informative, even when they differ from prevailing opinions or expectations.
7. Engage with groups and authority figures with a critical mind and a strong sense of self.

Further Reading

On Group Identity

• Group Identity – iResearchNet.
  https://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psychology/group/group-identity/
• Group Identities: The Social Identity Perspective | SpringerLink. https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-1-4419-7988-9_9
• Social Identity Theory In Psychology (Tajfel & Turner, 1979). https://www.simplypsychology.org/social-identity-theory.html
• The Relationship Between Power and Identity – The New Context. https://thenewcontext.org/power-and-identity/

On Toxic Identity Groups

• When Tribalism Goes Bad | Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/social-empathy/201903/when-tribalism-goes-bad

On Abust of Trust and Betrayal Trauma

• Abuse of Trust
• https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/abuse-trust
• What is Betrayal Trauma Theory?
  https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html

On Autistic Social Rank Perception

• Atypical Social Rank Recognition in Autism Spectrum Disorder
  https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-020-57913-0
• Autism and Social Cognition: A Review of Theory and Evidence https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.648086/full

Articles from AutisticAF on similar themes

• Further Conversations with Theo: Pt. 3, MORE Autistic Joy in School?
  https://autisticaf.me/2023/11/14/further-conversations-with-theo-pt-3-more-autistic-joy-in-school/
  This article discusses the unique joy that many autistic individuals feel when learning something new on their own. It aligns with the theme of the blog post by highlighting the personal and innate experiences of autistic individuals, which are separate from societal expectations or group identities.
• Authentic Autistic Life: 4 Short Stories – Fearless, Joyful, Chaotic https://autisticaf.me/2023/03/06/authentic-autistic-life-4-short-stories-fearless-joyful-chaotic/
  This article contains personal narratives that emphasize the authentic experiences of autistic individuals. It supports the blog post’s theme of cherishing individuality and personal identity over group conformity.

When "Kind" Words… Hurt: An Autistic Elder on Microaggressions – #AutisticAF Out Loud

I’m writing a memoir… out loud. Building a book. Fragment by fragment. Just like I lived it.I told a small, self-deprecating… white lie.To get out of committing to volunteering for a new project.My bad.You see? I had history with this person. Co-founder of an advocacy nonprofit. Small. Neurodivergency-affirming. Big ideas. Little organization.“I’m not sure I’m the right guy for your project. I just can’t seem to do something… this big… anymore.” I just want to gracefully bow out. Yet not hurt feelings. Or challenge them.I plow on gamely, “Maybe we can chat once in a while…?”“Sure you can! I know you can do it!” That zeal of a new convert to pop psychology. Rapid-fire words ricocheting out of my headset. “You just have imposter syndrome. I know. Because I do too! I have this book you could read…”I tried to be gentle. “My friend, I don’t have a syndrome of any kind. I’m just telling the truth. No need for diagnosis.”It went rapidly downhill from there.Let’s say, I felt immediate… unease.While we were talking. But I didn’t know why. Yet.But like a persistent smell neurodivergent-dot-me can never ignore… that feeling lingered. Building as I replay the conversation over and over. Then it takes days to recover. Before I can work on my projects again.Because what I experienced? Some label “benevolent ableism.” I call it soft-core discrimination. Trying to look like… kindness.I’ll never know their motivation. I won’t risk the pain of asking.You see? “Kind” words can do real damage.All you really gotta do to cause pain? Simply speak in the grammar of help… then act out the logic of condescension.That’s it.Some research supports this… catch-22. Patronizing support? It’s one of the most common, damaging, and invisible acts one human can perpetrate on another disabled human. That I know.Cuz it’s deniable. So at best, socially dangerous to challenge. A lot like an unwanted, ambiguous… intimate… gesture. From an acquaintance. And queasiness has only gotten worse for me with every ambiguous human interchange.The weapon and pain metaphors I use in the performance piece? Intentional.Cuz the escalation you may experience?These. Are. My. Reality.This ain’t about an additional diagnosis. Or a personality flaw. It is about me being autistic-as-fuck me.Yeah. I may be a tad more sensitive to condescension than the Average Bear. Just like I need sunglasses. Even on many cloudy days.Which ought to be actually advocated for. Not patronized. By an advocate. Or employer. Or loved one.Cuz this is not something I can self-help-guru my way out of. Or be trained to control through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.Like I need one more thought to exhaustingly monitor. Monitoring that could never “cure” my sensory issue with smells. Or my freaking balance problems. Least of all my condescension trauma…So, the only guiding principle I must remember when I navigate social or professional waters…“I must honor my limits. Or they will disable me.”One last thing…I wrote this about my real experiences as an autistic professional. In a world unkind to difference.But my guess? Folks from any “disadvantaged” background may see themselves in it.Let’s build on that kinship. Maybe make a change. Together.IntroContent Note: Contains descriptions of everyday condescension… and opinions. That may resonate uncomfortably for autistic, neurodivergent, and… other people.The Cruelest Knife Leaves No ScarYou never feel the cruelest knife Poison-tipped with a pat on the head A smugly… gentle… smile Words so softly, warmly… said.He only said… “You’re flourishing. Even with autism. Good on you.”Judgment is like napalm Dropped benignly… safely… from on high Burning invisibly… under my skin.She casually said… “You got imposter syndrome. I got this book…?”Or some radiant dirty bomb Parachuting slyly… tenderly… Silently melting my guts inside.The manual simply read… “Neurodivergents think outside the box. That makes them perfect… for certain tasks.”Leaving a foul smell in the air Mustard gas masquerading… Like piercing gas-station incense Labelled… blindingly, “Stay Calm.”Stealth Weapons of Mass Humiliation Or casual toxic caring Preening in plain sight Don’t breed even sullen gratitude Just resentment. Rebellion. Sometimes? The worship of tyrants. You never feel the cruelest knife No, Not right away. A slice so sharp it leaves no scar So weird… that instant shapes my life.* If this excerpt grabbed you… more here: The Book: Frag by Frag.This is Fragment 4 of my upcoming autobiography, My Autistic Life is My Art, arriving Fall 2026.I’m building a book out loud. Fragment by fragment. Just like I lived it.The Next ActDon’t trust a corporate algorithm’s decision about whether you get to see the next excerpt or not.Join my Substack for free… and the next fragment comes straight to your inbox. And you get a free digital download of my complete poetry chapbook.* Unlock the next act for free.Why I Write My AutobiographyI’m only an expert on my own life. Born 1953, diagnosed at 63. Your mileage will vary.Individual minority voices speaking truth out loud? They build bridges to mainstream readers. Think Malcolm X. Think Maya Angelou, Think Janet Mock’s Redefining Realness.This Fall, I hope to deliver that kind of impact, that power with My Autistic Life is My Art. For our neurodivergent community.Since 2019 I’ve published a quarter of a million words. Over half the size of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.Gotta be a pony somewhere in that shit.Readings for Your Deeper DiveNot exhaustive. Just sources that made me think.Benevolent Ableism* “Consequences of Confronting Patronizing Help for People with Disabilities” Harvard Kennedy School Government and Applied Psychology Lab · January 2023https://gap.hks.harvard.edu/consequences-confronting-patronizing-help-people-disabilities-do-target-gender-and-disability-type* “Misguided Gestures of a Condescending Kindness” Radical Accessible Communities · July 2013https://radicalaccessiblecommunities.wordpress.com/2013/07/10/misguided-gestures-of-a-condescending-kindness/Ableist Microaggressions* “Ableist Hostility Disguised as Friendliness” Real Social Skills · January 2016https://realsocialskills.org/2016/01/08/ableist-hostility-disguised-as-friendliness/* “Ableist-Microaggressions Towards People with Disabilities” REDIS / CEDID · n.d.https://redis.cedid.es/index.php/redis/article/download/1161/568/Discriminatory Gaslighting vs. Imposter Syndrome* “Imposter Syndrome, Or Something Else? Historian Talks Discriminatory Gaslighting” NPR · May 2021https://www.npr.org/2021/05/09/995172973/imposter-syndrome-or-something-else-historian-talks-discriminatory-gaslighting* “Imposter Syndrome in Neurodiversity” The Rowan Well · December 2024https://www.therowanwell.co.uk/blog/imposter-syndrome-in-neurodiversityPerformative Allyship & Movement Co-optation* “Performative Neurodiversity – the Appropriation and Watering Down of a Human Rights Movement for Profit” Therapist Neurodiversity Collective · May 2024https://therapistndc.org/performative-neurodiversity-the-appropriation-and-watering-down-of-a-human-rights-movement-for-profit/* “Performative Allyship Within Capitalist Systems” Neurodiverging · January 2024https://www.neurodiverging.com/performative-allyship-within-capitalist-systems/Autistic Identity, Masking & Ableism (Research)* “Understanding Autistic Identity Contingencies” PubMed Central · December 2025https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12804416/* “The Division Between Neurodiversity Advocates and The Rest of the World” Neuroclastic · January 2026https://neuroclastic.com/nd-nt/Counterpoint / Complicating Perspectives* “Make Neurodiversity Boring” Boston Review · June 2025https://www.bostonreview.net/forum/the-future-of-neurodiversity/make-neurodiversity-boring/* “The Definitional Problems at the Heart of the Neurodiversity Movement” STAT News · November 2025https://www.statnews.com/2025/11/24/neurodiversity-movement-neurotypical-definitional-problems/Weapon Metaphor & Language (Supporting Context)* “The Metaphor as Weapon” Harvard Political Review · February 2015https://harvardpolitics.com/metaphor-weapon/* “Weaponizing Words: War Metaphors and Public…” UIN Malang e-Journal · June 2025https://ejournal.uin-malang.ac.id/index.php/humbud/article/view/32376Connect:* Drop a comment… How do you experience… condescension?* How have you answered it?* Hit the “subscribe” box for new releases This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com/subscribe

1. When "Kind" Words… Hurt: An Autistic Elder on Microaggressions 02:12
2. Family, God & Vodka Neat…? My Autistic Elder’s Truth 11:27
3. 7 Autistic Decades. I'm Still Driven. What If I NEVER Get “There…”? 10:42
4. Autistic in a Sea of Faceless Ghosts… I Still Want to Remember You 06:07
5. This Autistic Elder Looks Back… without Shame 01:37

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