When “Kind” Words… Hurt: An Autistic Elder on Microaggressions

, , , , , , , , ,

·

Johnny Profane Âû

·

How everyday condescension hits like a dirty bomb… this autistic.

I told a small, self-deprecating… white lie.

To get out of committing to volunteering for a new project.

My bad.

You see? I had history with this person. Co-founder of an advocacy nonprofit.
Small. Neurodivergency-affirming.
Big ideas. Little organization.

“I’m not sure I’m the right guy for your project. I just can’t seem to do something… this big… anymore.” I just want to gracefully bow out. Yet not hurt feelings. Or challenge them.

I plough on gamely, “Maybe we can chat once in a while…?”

I tried to be gentle. “My friend, I don’t have a syndrome of any kind. I’m just telling the truth. No need for diagnosis.”

It went rapidly downhill from there.

Let’s say, I felt immediate… unease.

While we were talking. But I didn’t know why. Yet.

But like a persistent smell neurodivergent-dot-me can never ignore… that feeling lingered.
Building as I replay the conversation over and over.
Then it takes days to recover.
Before I can work on my projects again.

Because what I experienced? Some label “benevolent ableism.” I call it soft-core discrimination. Trying to look like… kindness.

I’ll never know their motivation. I won’t risk the pain of asking.

You see? “Kind” words can do real damage.

All you really gotta do to cause pain? Simply speak in the grammar of help… then act out the logic of condescension.

That’s it.

Cuz it’s deniable. So at best, socially dangerous to challenge. A lot like an unwanted, ambiguous… intimate… gesture. From an acquaintance. And queasiness has only gotten worse for me with every ambiguous human interchange.

The weapon and pain metaphors I use in the performance piece? Intentional.

Cuz the escalation you may experience?

These. Are. My. Reality.

This ain’t about an additional diagnosis. Or a personality flaw. It is about me being autistic-as-fuck me.

Yeah. I may be a tad more sensitive to condescension than the Average Bear. Just like I need sunglasses. Even on many cloudy days.
Which ought to be actually advocated for.
Not patronized.
By an advocate.
Or employer.
Or loved one.

Cuz this is not something I can self-help-guru my way out of. Or be trained to control through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

So, the only guiding principle I must remember when I navigate social or professional waters…

“I must honor my limits. Or they will disable me.”

One last thing…

I wrote this about my real experiences as an autistic professional. In a world unkind to difference.

But my guess? Folks from any “disadvantaged” background may see themselves in it.

Let’s build on that kinship. Maybe make a change. Together.

Reading of “The Cruelest Knife Leaves No Scar’, 2:13 minutes, full text in handcut poetic lines.

Intro

Content Note: Contains descriptions of everyday condescension… and opinions. That may resonate uncomfortably for autistic, neurodivergent, and… other people.

The Cruelest Knife Leaves No Scar

You never feel the cruelest knife   
Poison-tipped with a pat on the head  
A smugly… gentle… smile   
Words so softly, warmly… said.

He only said…   
“You’re flourishing.    
Even with autism.    
Good on you.”

Judgment is like napalm   
Dropped benignly… safely… from on high   
Burning invisibly… under my skin.

She casually said…    
“You got imposter syndrome.    
I got this book…?”

Or some radiant dirty bomb   
Parachuting slyly… tenderly…   
Silently melting my guts inside.

The manual simply read…   
“Neurodivergents    
think outside the box.   
That makes them perfect…    
for certain tasks.”

Leaving a foul smell in the air   
Mustard gas masquerading…   
Like piercing gas-station incense   
Labelled… blindingly, “Stay Calm.”

Stealth Weapons of Mass Humiliation  
Or casual toxic caring   
Preening in plain sight   
Don’t breed even sullen gratitude    
Just resentment. Rebellion.    
Sometimes?    
The worship of tyrants.

You never feel the cruelest knife   
No, Not right away.   
A slice so sharp it leaves no scar   
So weird… that instant shapes my life.

More autistic lived experience: If this resonated for you, I share more pieces like this on AutisticAF Out Loud.

Readings for Your Deeper Dive

Not exhaustive. Just sources that made me think.

Benevolent Ableism

Ableist Microaggressions

Discriminatory Gaslighting vs. Imposter Syndrome

Performative Allyship & Movement Co-optation

Autistic Identity, Masking & Ableism (Research)

Counterpoint / Complicating Perspectives

Weapon Metaphor & Language (Supporting Context)

Connect:

  • Drop a comment… How do you experience… condescension?
  • How have you answered it?
  • Hit the “subscribe” box for new releases

Press enter or click to view image in full size

every clock is a handgun pointed at my head,art, poetry, and raw neurodivergent truth. Thirteen pieces. One autistic life, unfiltered. Available on Amazon

Subscribe to AutisticAF Out Loud… free or paid… and get the full PDF in your inbox. On me. #AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter: One Voice. Raw. Real. Fiercely Autistic.

I’m an autistic poet and spoken word performer, diagnosed at 63. Now in my 70s. I’ve been publishing AutisticAF Out Loud since 2019… work that refuses to be packaged.

I live in a rural Indiana trailer… across the courtyard from my wife’s trailer… with my 2 dogs & cat. Occasionally I shave… to face Walmart.

The algorithms hate me. I must be doing something right.

#SpokenWord #AutismAcceptance #AutisticPoetry

#AutisticAF Out Loud Newsletter is a reader-supported publication. Click below to receive new posts… free. To support my ongoing work, consider a paid subscription.

Support AutisticAF.me with a one-time tip here: Paypal · Ko-Fi · Facebook Pay “ Johnny Knapp Âû”

https://ko-fi.com/autisticaf

Originally published at https://johnnyprofaneknapp.substack.com on May 8, 2026.

Discover more from

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

Leave a Reply

Discover more from

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading